Clarity of Night

Most of my life I've awakened in the wee hours of the night. Usually around 2:00 AM. I've learned not to worry about not sleeping. I often worry about other things, of course, but I know I can do well on very little sleep for a day or two. Last night in the wee hours, I remembered a favorite poem of mine that I posted on another blog a while ago. I thought I'd post it here, because I want to. So here's


Clarity of Night.

Awake again in the
muddle of the night.
Cold.
Ease out of bed.
Stoke the fire with
winter's last pinon.
Thermostat clicks and
wakes the baby.
I give her to her mother and
wait,
then change her and
stand at the window with
her on my shoulder,
her breath on my neck.

Outside late spring snow
falls in the
glow of a lamp,
the flakes mix with
sparks from the sap
filled pine log on the fire.
The up and down
confused.
Deepening drifts
silence the generator that
guards the night, and
pile high on the fence posts and
tree limbs.
One flake too much and
the branch bends
low sheds the
weight
springs back.

I will the dawn
away.
By force of mind,
forbid the glow in the
East from gaining a foothold on
Whirling Mountain.
My daughter stirs,
seeks deeper warmth.
I hear her breath in my ear.

Awake again at two AM.
Reach up with my foot to
silence the
fan that cools the night.
I walk through the quiet
house and onto the
lanai. I face the
sleeping jungle,
Surf crashes at Banyans.
My daughter comes up beside me and
I'm momentarily
embarrassed,
outside, as I am, in my boxers in the
middle of the night.

We stand together
watching the reflection of the
rising moon on the
Royal Palm, the Plumeria, the Kiawe.
Somewhere a Rain Dove calls
just once then falls silent.

She speaks of Yale and
Italy and
Friends she's left
behind.
Silence.
The woo-oo-oo-oo of the dove again.

As my daughter
moves to go
back to her bed, I
give her
a kiss. Then turn
back to the
jungle.

For a very long time I feel her breath
in my ear and
will the dawn away.

Tioli's Stimulus Bailout

So here's a good one: We recently filled out a very complex application listing all sorts of financial and business information in anticipation of talking to a government official about a stimulus-related, no interest loan or grant. Well after quite a wait, today was our big interview. Mrs. T went in with high hopes but all she got were marketing ideas and the name of a good bankruptcy attorney.

Apparently we didn't qualify...

We're going to open shop tomorrow, and all next week, and all next month. We'll get through this just by choppin' the wood, and carryin' the water and showing up every day. But at the moment it's hard not to be a little bitter.

Further Thoughts on the Phrase "Life is Hard."

I usually compose my blogs when I'm riding my bike. Half the time I forget what I was going to say by the time I get around to blogging, but this one has been sticking with me for a while. That's because our words have such power that I want to be careful what I say to myself.

Mrs. Tioli says "I'm feeling unhappy," when I might say "Life is hard." I think that is a much healthier and positive way to think about circumstances. For instance, I could say life is hard right now for several reasons:

--We don't have as much money as we'd like to have, or that we've had in the past.

--Our business is in a rocky place right now because of the slump in the economy.

--We're getting daily calls from creditors, and we're taking the first steps toward bankruptcy.

--We're feeling the stress in our backs and other health concerns.

--Our son is going off to college and we can't support him financially as well as we'd like.

--Our son is going off to college and we'll miss him.

--Our son is experiencing numbness in his upper body and has hand tremors.

--Our other son is in rehab, and while that's a positive step, there is still much healing to be done.

So life is hard. Not much I can do about it. If I say that to my friend he might respond "That's nothing, my wife died of breast cancer less than a year ago, I'm living on my own, sans children, for the first time in many years, I don't have a job and the market is tight..." In other words, "Life is Hard" is relative.

If, however, I say to my friend "I'm unhappy," the first thing he'll say to me is "About what?" The second thing he'll say, after I've complained a bit, is "You're unhappy, what are you going to do about it?" The difference, though subtle, is profound in my thinking: "Life is hard," makes me a victim needing saving. "I'm unhappy," puts the responsibility for change back on me, where it belongs.

De Duva

If you have 14 minutes to spare, check out the attached video. It's a parody of the films of Ingmar Bergman, the great Swedish film maker. I first saw this short at a film festival at ASU. I and my friends didn't realize at first that this wasn't an actual Bergman film. Most of the scenes in the spoof refer to images or themes in Bergman films.

Make sure you listen to the soundtrack, and don't just read the subtitles. Half the fun is the language. Also, look for a very young Madeline Kahn in her first film role. Her "Swedish" word for cigar is a favorite of mine. Listen closely.

Pictures From Byron's 2009 Graduation

Tosha




Byron








About 20% of the crowd.
















Student Body President Leading the Class Song.








The KHS Waveriders doing the wave.




I don't think I've ever seen such a pure joy in the faces of graduates. And I've seen many, many graduations.












Singing the class song. Instead of choosing some sappy song from the hit parade, the class of 2009 wrote their own.























On the field afterwords you have to hold signs high to be able to find the graduate you're there for. This sign is for Cheryl, Ron's date at prom.



Leis!








More Leis!

Yesterday, Sunday, we had the lowest daily income in the history of Tioli's. We didn't make enough to pay the daily utility bill, which isn't all that much for a warehouse our size.

I came in to work today, instead of taking a day off. I'm curious about what will happen. I remember feeling the same way when Ma died. I was curious, what would this be like? Is it the end of the world?

And yet, we just might make it, because we don't know what else to do other than show up every day.

Life is Hard

I've been hearing a lot of folks saying and writing that life is hard, or life is tough. I've been wondering about that. Hard compared to what? Dying? I suppose so, dying is easy, people do it every day. Heck even old people can die. So, hard compared to what? Then it hit me. Life is only hard when it doesn't compare favorably to my expectations.

I think and hope that once circumstances are favorable, that they won't ever change. That's not very healthy, because things are going to change. I think and hope that life will work out according to my hopes and dreams. That's not very healthy either. Healthy I guess, is living the now. Planning the future as best we can. Dealing with the past as we have need. But really just living this moment, because this moment is all we have.

So I'm not saying "life is hard" anymore.